My one act play

Saying No to Children

 

Scene: A father stands in his perfect living room with his son (4) and daughter (5) jumping up and down at his waist, reaching for what he has in his hands. He stares straight forward unmoved by his children’s requests.

Characters:

Father- 30-40, he needs to appear upright and moral, clean cut, well dressed even in casual clothes, he is the kind of guy that based on appearance must be trusted and liked, but when I wrote this I was thinking Carey Grant.

It is extremely important that the children are both extremely lovable, they, like the father, must command that “perfect” quality. They must not act out wildly or be brats or anything that could bring on negative feelings from the audience. The problems that arise must be completely of the parent’s own fabrication.

Daughter- adorable little girl who cannot say her “R’s.”

 Son- standard boy.

Mother- well-to-do woman. She completes the perfect family unit.

Lawyer- disheveled, scatter brain type, who seems to be the intrusive, moochy neighbor.

Lighting note: Asides should spotlight the character or characters with the rest of the action frozen with lights dimmed.

Note: I cannot stress how important it is that reality and believability should not be a concern when performing this play. That being said, push the limits of this screwball comedy as far as you please. Good luck.

 

Father

Now, you must promise to not tell your mother. Do you hear me?

Son

Candy/ Candy/ oh please can I have it?

Daughter

Gimme / Candy/ Candy/ Daddy, please.

Father

Promise?

Children

Uh-huh. (Father hands them the “candy”, the little boy eats the two pink tablets right out of the Father’s hand)

Daughter

Oh, no daddy, mommy said not to eat the ones with the A on them. She said it’s medicine, not candy.

Father

Well, mommy’s not a doctor now is she? (pulling the little boy back, and using his shirt to wipe off all of the slobber)

(Aside: But she is damn good at games of chance.)

Daughter

But we haven’t had breakfast. And mommy says no candy for breakfast.

Father

It’s my day to take care of you, so I make the rules. And I say you can eat candy even for breakfast.

Son

Yuck, daddy, this candy is baaaaad. (Father practically shoves the tablets into his daughter’s mouth)

Father

 Well medicine isn’t made to taste good. (Aside: Oh, here we go. Now I’ve done it. One slip and the one-boy-Why?-Parade commences. If only I would’ve gone tails, then it would’ve been my day off.)

Son

But I thought it was candy?

Father

I meant candy. (Aside: Thank god they are still little idiots.)

Son

But why did you say medicine?

Father

I didn’t mean to.

Son

Why?

Father

(Aside: Hold it together, Hold it Together. Only a few more Why’s before the adult Ambien hits and he’ll be out all day.)

Daughter

When’s mommy coming home from work?

Father

She just left.

Daughter

But when?

Father

She’ll be back by the time you wake up from your nap.

Son

When’s nap time? I’m tired.

Father

Soon. (Aside: But not soon enough) (checks watch)

Daughter

But we just woke up. (Son lays down on the floor)

Father

You’re growing children. Sleep helps the body.

Daughter

Well, I’m not tired.

Father

(pulling bottle of Ambien out of his pocket) Would you like some more candy? You have been such a good girl today. You deserve more.

Daughter

No thanks, I like the purple flavored ones better.

Father

Well, I have those too darling. (shaking some tablets out of the bottle and he gives them to the daughter)

Daughter

But this tastes the same kind of yucky as before.

Father

I’ll write a letter to the manufacturer.

Daughter

The wha…(yawning) (son had been playing on the ground with his toys but is now asleep beneath the Father’s feet)

Father

See you are tired. You can’t fool daddy. (Father picks her up, steps over son and lays her on the couch. He then moves some of the kids’ toys around them)

(Aside: I should’ve picked tails. Tails never fails. But four days in a row? I must be the unluckiest bastard in all-the-world. Well, at least the suburbs.)

Shhhhh. Just close your eyes. Yes, that’s it, sleeeeep.

(Daughter falls asleep. He now stands addresseing his sleeping children)

You see children, it’s not that daddy doesn’t love you, it’s that daddy has other things to do and you… well… get in the way. And, I mean, I know I shouldn’t tell you this now, at such young ages, but I have been needing to get this off my chest for a while… so here goes. You’re both adopted. (beat) (Wife steps in from a side door, and watches silently, seems unamused, but not mad or shocked, just kind of taking it in) Okay, not really, but it would make it a hell of a lot easier to get rid of you. (pause)Truth is, I’m not your father. (breath) No, no, I made the mistake of knocking up your mother and now I must suffer the consequences, but damn, you two are a hell of a punishment. Alright, I’ll try this again. And I have heard that a father should never say this to his children, but (beat) I don’t like you guys. Well, at least not yet. Face it, you are not capable of intellectual conversation, your Tee-ball games are boring, I mean, how could it be entertaining, your team is horrible. I know the league insists on not keeping score, but I have kept score and you have lost every, single, goddamn game. I cannot stand to lie you any more, saying “Good game, son,” because you have never had a good game and probably won’t until you learn how to tie your shoes. And you missy, 50 dollars a week for ballet lessons? You can’t even pirouette. I could think of far more productive ways of spending 50 dollars, like boarding school.

Mother

Do you really have to give this speech everyday/

Father

Honey you’re home from work early/ what’s the special occasion?

Mother

/My office is the guest bedroom/ coffee, why are the kids asleep?

Father

They were tired. (hiding the Ambien bottle behind his back)

Mother

You didn’t/ You did, again?/ You did.

Father

Didn’t what/ No, no, no we went over this yesterday. I remembered no drug induced comas just like you said/ Alright, I did. But I had to. I can’t keep watching them.

Mother

You lost the toss fair and square.

Father

Don’t you want to spend some quality time with your children?

Mother

No

Father

Well me neither. Look at this brochure for this boarding school in the Himalayas or/ (pulling out a fan full of brochures)

Mother

/Or Maybe we could get a babysitter. (picks up the phone book off the side table)

Father

What would our friends think? Two parents, who work from home, hiring a babysitter?

Mother

You’re unemployed

Father

I prefer in between jobs.

Mother

You haven’t worked since we met.

Father

Not true.

Mother

That was 10 years ago.

Father

What about the play?

Mother

The one about the parents/

Father

Where they don’t want to take care of their kids and they continually argue about whose turn it is.

Mother

How many times did it get rejected?/ a half?/ That was a horrible play. It wasn’t believable. I mean who wouldn’t want to take care of their kids?

Father

7 and a half/ I posted it on my blog and it got mixed reviews, so it’s not a full 8/ Us.

Mother

The point is, people don’t go around saying how much they dislike their children all the time.

Father

Sure they do.  Watch. I don’t like you (points to son) and I happen to not like you either.(a dismissive hand gesture towards the daughter)

Mother

(ignores him) Coffee, that’s what I’m here for, Coffee.

Father

Good luck. Are you going out to get it?

Mother

No. Didn’t you buy some at the store yesterday?

Father

The store?

Mother

Yes, the store. You went there to buy coffee and left the kids with me. Remember?

Father

Vaguely.

Mother

So you didn’t buy any then?/Coffee/ So where did you go?

Father

Buy what?/ Oh, yes. (beat) No, I didn’t./ Don’t worry about those silly little details now darling. I will run out and get some right away. (hurriedly grabs keys and wallet off the table, rushes over to give his wife a kiss on the cheek and nearly sprints towards the door.)

Mother

Oh no you don’t. (Father stops with door half open, gazing towards freedom)

Father

(Aside: Deep Voice Singing- Let My People Go!) What was that dear?

Mother

I’ll go, you stay hear and bond with the (looks around at the two children sleeping), uh, comatose.

Father

Honey, you have had a long, hard day at work (aside- 10:30. Or not). The kids were asking when you’d be home. Better stay.

Mother

These kids? The ones you decided to temporarily dispose of–Those children? The ones that are so drugged that they might sleep ‘till the end of summer vacation?

Father

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Mother

Rock, paper, scissors? Best of three?

Father

Let me think. Okay. Ready.

(They play. Father wins.)

Mother

You got twenty minutes.

Father

Love you. (runs out the door, screaming- freedom)

Mother

(turns towards children, then to audience.)

(Aside- Damn.)

(She then walks over to a cabinet and pulls out a bottle of booze. She shakes some pills out of the ambient bottle, and washes some down with a few long gulps from the flask. Sits down next to her daughter on the couch, then shakes her head and moves to the recliner.)

{End Scene}

 

{New Scene}

Dark outside. Mother still asleep on recliner. Children noticeably absent. House is strewn with toys.

Enter father, trying to sneak in, but when door clicks closed, mother is awakened.

Mother

Where have you been?/ What time is it?/ am or pm?

Father

Getting you the freshest coffee on Earth my dear (holds up Folgers instant mix)/ 11:30/ p.m.

Mother

Where did you get the coffee?

Father

Colombia.

Mother

Are those mickey mouse ears on your head? Did you go to Disneyland again?

Father

You know I love to see children happy.

Mother

You have two children right here.

Father

Not these ones. They are such ungrateful little bastards. Other kids do cute things like smile and giggle and hold their daddy’s hand. Our kids! Oh, God, Our Kids? Our kids… just…they just…/

Mother

Whine and shit/ and hit and moan and cry

Father

and piss and kick/ and…(looking around) where are the little idiots?

Mother

I was asleep. (They begin searching halfheartedly, under couch cushions, under the coffee table, whatever a kid could not hide under. They call out for their children under their breath.)

Father

Nope, not here.

Mother

I hate to say it, but I was wrong.

Father

About what?

Mother

Your nightly bedtime stories about runaway children. They finally worked.

Father

Yeah, but they didn’t take the prepackaged runaway kits I prepared for them.

Mother

You can lead a horse to water/

Father

But you can’t get it to jump in and drown itself. (shared laugh)

Mother

Well let’s finish the episode of Full House we started last night, then we’ll go out and look. Give ‘em a little extra time to get away. (They sit at the couch, turn on the T.V. and begin to snuggle.)

Father

That Michelle sure is cute and lovable, unlike our spawn.

Mother

 Isn’t it nice having the house to ourselves?

(Cut to Black for 3 seconds to show elapsed time)

 

Mother
That’s three episodes.

Father

Alright, I guess we’ll go now. They should’ve made it to the highway by now. And hopefully someone will take pity on our poor souls and drive them hundreds of miles away. (They Walk out the door.)

(Cut to Black for 3 seconds)

 

Mother

(Walking back in)

Do you think we should call the police? Just so it doesn’t look like we’re negligent.

Father

Not yet, Give ‘em a little more time. The further they get, the harder they are to find.

Mother

I guess your right.

Father

Think about it this way, remember when we eloped when you were only 18? Did your parents ever file a missing persons report?

Mother

No, but/No They haven’t/

Father

Even if they did, they have a horrible job looking for you/ We live an hour away.

Mother

So what you’re saying is/

Father

That everyone hates their children, they just show it in different ways. We don’t hit our kids. We don’t try to kill them. We just don’t like them, that’s all. Everyone just continually perpetuates this lie about the rewards of raising children because it’s what society tells us is right. It’s all propaganda. So think about all the things we can do without them. We could turn their rooms into a mini-gym or a sauna or a legitimite office or a game room, the possibilities are endless.

Mother

Yeah, ok, alright. I’m sorry for ever doubting you/

Son

(wanders down stairs) Daddy, I had a bad dream.

Mother and Father

(Aside- Damn!)

Mother

(turns towards son and back to Father, almost yelling) I thought you checked/

Father

/I guess I had just hoped that they had gotten our hints

Daughter

(wanders down stairs) I had a bad dream too. I always have bad dreams when you don’t read us a bedtime story

Son

I wanna hear the rest about Huck.

Mother

(Aside- father flips coin, mother calls, father loses- father turns toward the audience- Damn!)

Mother

Daddy’s going to read you a story. Now, go up to bed, he’ll be there in a minute. (Children go upstairs)

{End Scene}

 

{New Scene)

(Father and Mother seated at table with a lawyer in a tattered suit. Children playing with toys on the floor under the table.)

Lawyer

Irreconcilable differences? And you want me to represent both of you. (Father and Mother look at each other, smile, turn back towards lawyer and nod yes.) I must tell you that this is highly unusual, especially because you two seem to be getting along just fine. I usually have my clients sleep on this decision.

Father

We did.

Mother

Last night.

Lawyer

So what are these irreconcilable differences?

Father

Well there’s two. (Raises both arms above the table and points down at table, which the children are under.)

Mother

The kids.

Lawyer

Is this some kind of joke? Because kids always think it’s their fault when the parents get divorced.

Father

But really. It’s their fault.

Mother

It is. We wish we were joking.

Father

Do you have kids?

Lawyer

No, I’m not particularly fond of children/

Mother

So you understand?/

Lawyer

I always thought I would be fond of my own kin.

Father

Trust me, you won’t be/ And bore you/ and the lovely relationship that you had with your wife will be destroyed

Mother

They will plague you/ and take up all of your time/ by your own kin

Father

That’s what you have to look forward to.

Lawyer

Have you thought about boarding school?

Father

That’s only a temporary solution. They come home from breaks.

Mother

We think this would be the most permanent thing.

Lawyer

Do you still love each other?

Father

Outside of making these two monsters/ absolutely in love.

Mother

/Yes, I have never loved someone so deeply.

Lawyer

What about adoption?

Father

We are Catholic. We can’t do that. The church looks down on giving your kids away.

Mother

It’s in the commandments.

Lawyer

So who is going to take custody of the children?

Father

So this is what we were thinking./

Mother

/Neither of us.

Lawyer

I don’t think that’s possible, legally speaking.

Father

I see what you’re doing. You drive a hard bargain my friend. You little shark, you. How much do you want?

Lawyer

No, no sir. I’m afraid it can’t be done. Custody must be given to someone.

Mother

But why us?

Father

We didn’t ask for this.

Mother

We just wanted good kids.

Father

And look what we got.

Mother

A raw deal.

Lawyer

You both would have to be declared unfit to parent by the court in order to avoid custody.

Father

Meaning?

Lawyer

Meaning that you would have to something wrong with you. A bad drug habit. Abusing your kids, each other. Reckless behavior. That sort of thing.

Mother

We are bad. Just yesterday, we knocked the kids out with Ambien.

Lawyer

Now ma’am, let’s not be hasty. We all know that you two would never do something like that. That’s just crazy talk.

Father

We did. She’ not lying.

Lawyer

I have a hard time believing someone who is stuck between a rock and a hard place. But anyways, I don’t have the power to take your kids from you. You’ll need a social worker to come view the living situation.

Mother

Is there an emergency line we can call to get them over here?

Father

Like now?

Lawyer

I’m afraid not. It usually takes a few days. Then court.

Mother

So like a month?

Lawyer

It depends how bad the situation is. And I can tell you that it doesn’t look good for your cause.

Father

Doesn’t anyone care what we want.

Mother

Why is it always about the kids? It’s their fault anyways.

Father

So we’re stuck with them?

Lawyer

Unless something drastic happens, you seem like fine parents. I’ll be off now (picking up his briefcase and finishing the coffee that he has refilled four times during the short conversation, along with taking another cookie for the road, after having 4-6 on stage), I won’t waste anymore of your time. Good day. (lets himself out the front door.)

Mother

Damn!

Father

Damn!

Children

(Aside-Damn!)