NO.10

I am applying for a creative nonfiction class and this is due tomorrow, so if you see anything wrong or something  should add, tell me asap. Other than that, enjoy.

I don’t know all of the nine names that are ahead of me on the list.

            Jesus is first, not for any particular religious reason, he just is.

            Bear Grylls is seventh. There is no denying him seven. Anyone who can kill a woodpecker in the dark with a stick from 20 feet away is in the top ten.

            I’m tenth, which isn’t bad considering that this list ranks the most important/ influential people who have ever lived.

To be honest, I am tied for tenth with Tim Gracza– Google him and nothing comes up. “Why is that?” you may ask, which is a legitimate question assuming that anyone as high as ten on this list would at least have their own Wikipedia page. Now remember what your mother always told you about what happens when you go around assuming things. “Assuming makes an ass out of you and…” the quote would usually finish with “me,” but in this case “me” happens to be Number Ten, and an ass could never be made out of this “me.”

            There isn’t movement on the list, well, not in any of the numbers that can be displayed on a calculator screen. I’m stuck at 10 and it’s something I have come to accept. It’s God’s will. Ten is a good number, not too high but still in the category that my name comes up in conversations, like “ Man, that’s a tough one. The ten most important slash influential people who have ever lived? Well, you gotta have Jesus and Gandhi (Oh, yeah, he’s five) then … and don’t forget Joe Cannon.” Followed by a series of head nods, verbal affirmations and or thumbs up.

            Another possible question, which has arisen several times after it comes up that I am tenth, is “How did you find out what number you were?” It was 2005. The Discovery Channel had just aired their “100 Greatest Americans of All Time Show” as voted by scholars, historians and idiots alike. The results derived from no particular rubric other than old-fashioned touch-tone voting, put then recently deceased Ronald Reagan as No. 1. Something was wrong in the world. Bedtime for Bonzo over George Washington? Jelly Belly’s over The Emancipation Proclamation? Reaganomics (Read: Rich get richer, poor get poorer) over The New Deal? Was there a rubric for this ranking? Was the polling sample Reagan’s immediate family?

This was an injustice.

            If Reagan could be “The Greatest American” in a meaningless poll that has no grounding in evidence, history or reality, and Jerry Bruckheimer is still allowed to produce movies, then I too could abandon my social responsibility and decency.

Thus the night after the show, “The List of the Most Important/Influential People Who Have Ever Lived” was constructed in my spa. Tim and myself (the high schoolers, who would soon to be tied at No. 10) were discussing the necessary and sufficient circumstances that one would need to have the power to name someone “The Greatest American” and have people buy into it.

 ESPN.com’s Page 2 columnist Jeff MacGregor writes, “Americans love a clear result, even if it's meaningless, and thus are suckers for top-10 lists and rankings and charticles of any kind.” Even a result as historically inaccurate as Reagan’s passes because people naturally want things to be sorted out for them.

So after a careful investigation within the confines of the hot tub, we were able to draw out the stipulations that lead to the The Discovery Channel’s results. (Note: These stipulations, if followed correctly, can yield the results you want in any type of ranking system)

            We decided that the instant believability of a poll comes down to one aspect–

1.     CREDIBILITY

a. The Source- You may have scoffed at the quote from MacGregor arguing that the source– a sportswriter– has no authority to account for the entirety of America in one sweeping generalization. But if we substituted his title of “ESPN.com’s Page 2 columnist” to “The American Insititute of Pollology and Rankings’ lead analyst,” MacGregor becomes instantly credible. “People are gullible,” The TAIP&R said in a statement that may or may not exist.

Therefore, The Discovery Channel’s poll works because the frame of their whole cable channel is education and knowledge. The Discovery Channel separates itself from “biased” television, like CNN or Fox, under the guise of their programming, claiming that it is a tool to promote knowledge and objective “discovery.” People quote the TDC all the time as if it were The Bible, like this conversation for example, which we have all heard before:

Guy 1- “Hey man, did you know that Manta Rays never sleep?”

Guy 2- “They have to sleep sometime.”

Guy 1- “No, they don’t. I saw it on The Discovery Channel.”

Guy 2- “Damn, that’s crazy. Well, you learn something new every day.”

            Regardless of whether Manta Rays really do sleep or not, Guy 2 now believes it because it was on The Discovery Channel. If Guy 1 was just basing his claim off of his own personal belief, then Guy 2 would have told Guy 1 that Guy 1’s drug intake was starting to affect his daily life.

            We needed a name to sponsor our ranking. No, “The Jacuzzi Dudes” wouldn’t work. Yeah, adding “Insitute” to the end helped, but it still wasn’t respectable. When people saw our “Organization’s” name, their instantaneous reaction needed to be, “Damn, I have never heard of The (Insert our all encompassing and credible name here), but they must know what they’re talking about. I mean, I would trust anything with a name like that.”

            The List of the Most Important/Influential People Who Have Ever Lived is brought to you by The International Center for Historical Accuracy and Personomics working in conjunction with The Global Initiative for the Objective Pursuit of Knowledge. When I originally claimed that I was ranked tenth on this list, you undoubtedly stopped reading and said aloud, “Wow, this guy is an asshole,” which is true, but now that you know that I am not making this stuff up (The ICHAP and The TGIOPK are making this up), I think you owe me an apology.

b. The Results- In certain extreme cases, the results need to be as credible as the source. However, when we take a good look at The Discovery Channel’s poll, we realize that it cannot be just the source that is able to sell the choice of Reagan at No. 1, it must be the construction of the results as well. By splashing the top five with names like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Benjamin Franklin, the poll appears to have engaged certain aspects of each character in order to carefully place them in order of who is the “The Greatest American.”

It is obvious that TDC had some sort of political agenda in placing Reagan at one, but even that atrocity is overshadowed by the abortion of a choice to put George W. Bush (Yes, that guy who just finished ruining America) at 6. Yet TDC hides the absurdity of these placements by mixing them in with actual legitimate selections like Oprah, Walt Disney and FDR. TDC is operating on the notion that the general public will not discount the validity of the results based on a few more than questionable picks. And it’s true. Two bad apples can’t ruin it for everyone and The ICHAP’s poll operates on this principle as well.

Some people may question the ICHAP’s placement of Tim Gracza and myself in a tie for number 10. Let us excuse the issue of the tie for now and focus on the selection of two people, who have yet to do anything constructive with their lives, so high on a list that encompasses everyone that has ever lived and will live. The believability aspect of the poll, as TDC’s “The Greatest American” has shown, can be easily reconciled by putting people who actually belong there all around the suspect choices. The names of Tim Gracza and Joe Cannon seem to blend right into Martin Luther King Jr., Muhammad Ali, and Gandhi. If our names were surrounded by the likes of Bernie Madoff, Howard Stern and the creators of “Friends,” then the list would fail, it’s that simple.

The list would also not pass go if the ICHAP had pushed its’ agenda too far, which was almost a fatal flaw in TDC’s poll. How could the ICHAP rationalize putting me all the way up at Number 1? They couldn’t, a has-yet-to-be over a proven talent like Jesus? Their bias would have shown through and their plan foiled. But a ten spot is just right. It is not inflating numbers. It stands as prediction of greatness to come, greatness that will come according to ICHAP.

 

            Remember, credibility is the key to success of your poll.

 

            So now that you know my ranking as the tenth most important/influential person who has ever lived is legitimate, you really should apologize.