In the Interest of Friendship

Alright, this story comes from the jacuzzi dude archives. If you are unfamiliar with the label "Jacuzzi Dudes" then here is a quick definition. It is a group of my high school friends, who get together nearly every night during breaks from school and shoot shit for hours in my jacuzzi. Yes, very homo-erotic, I agree, but the stories that have been told in my spa over the years are so epic that translating them to page might ruin the tale, but it is worth the risk. 

            Note: To protect the names of the innocent (or in this case the guilty), I have decided to make up names for the people who were originally involved.

            With that frame, let us begin the first installment of The Jacuzzi Dude Chronicles.           

            This past summer, while I was slaving away at summer school in Berkeley, my best friend Jim got lonely, really lonely. Yet not as lonely as the girl, who he had taken to a few dances in high school.

            Let me not short their history. They went to some dances and they hooked up a lot. The issue between the two stemmed from Jim’s inability to commit to a relationship– this is the excuse we told people. It really was more along the lines of she wanted to have sex with him, and he wanted head. Now, to most logical thinkers, this would seem like an easy compromise, a nut is a nut, have sex.

            But you are not Jim and he would like it if you didn’t project your morals on his decisions. Jim is famous for saying, “I will have sex when I find someone that is as entertaining as I am.” He then usually follows the line up with, “and Joe has a girlfriend.” So this principle, which Jim so firmly holds to, makes him more of a head guy.

            Jill, as we will call her, didn’t do dome. Jim tried the head push, everything. No go.  So this caused the break in high school. But the hookup always came back around. Jill would always randomly call Jim and Jim being the caring guy would oblige her request. Yet it would always come to the same deal breaker– the sex. This went on an off for about 2 years, moving our story from high school into freshman year of college.

            One night, Jim just told her, “Look I’m just not going to have sex with you.” She stopped calling after that night.

            Fast forward to this past summer, she calls again. Jim is past surprised and horny (read: I’m in Berkeley). She wants to “hang out.” It was always her code word and probably due to a lack of creativity she hadn’t changed it. Within the hour, he was in her car making out, literally a block from his house (She must have been in some kind of rush).

            Anyway, this happens a few times. They hardly talk in between, she just calls every third night or so, and they make out until she suggests sex and then she goes home. About the fourth time, she calls him in the middle of the night, crying. Jim was pissed, it was Shark Week.

            She tells him that they can no longer do this. They are ruining their friendship, she says. Jim worked hard to subtlety convince her that it is okay that they continue to hook up because there is no friendship and there has never been one. But Jill insists, so after three hours Jim submits. They are just friends.

            The next night, she calls. “Hey, we need to talk.” By now, Jim is seriously aggravated, hadn’t they just spent three hours on the phone last night during Shark Week? “Okay, fine. Come over.”

            She picks him up and they drive around the corner, like a usual hookup. She gets out of her seat to straddle him. She whispers in his ear that she is not wearing panties. They start making out. Maybe two minutes in, Jim pushes away and says (Word for Word) “No, we are too good of friends for this. Take me home.”

            She took him home.

There has been no communication between the friends since.